the eruption of truth

the eruption of truth

For a period of my life, the yoga postures served me well. I grew through them and they offered healing to my wrecked dancer's body for a time. But then, as many of us do, I allowed the postures to guide my physicality and I ultimately suffered because of that. You could see photos of me in postures or practice next to me in class and think, "wow she is strong and flexible". The problem was that I unwittingly pushed myself to be strong and flexible only in the places the poses required and in the end this was not balanced or wholesome, no matter how much alignment and breath and safe sequencing I applied.

When I was in my final months of pregnancy and just afterward, my body was pulled apart where it was weak and disconnected. I am not alone in this experience and it definitely doesn't just happen to pregnant yoga practitioners, although the elevated levels of relaxin in the body along with the increased abdominal pressure certainly enabled this to worsen quickly. Through the process of reconstructing myself in the last two years and working with many other students who I believe have been harmed by yoga, I have realized how insufficient the posturing, and more specifically how insufficient so much of the instruction in this work is. 

I am not saying the postures do not contain insights, for they do, endlessly. I am simply saying that they are not enough by themselves. We have to keep looking beyond, beneath, inside and through them. The postures are patterns we set into bodies that already contain their own patterns, imbalances, incongruencies, imperfections and deeply individual insights. How can we not take the individual into consideration as we apply them? Alignment, as we may witness in some forms of yoga, takes us only so far on a personal level before it causes us to become rigid. Geometry certainly has its merits and beauty in certain yoga styles, but it doesn't break down or build up everything; it doesn't give space for all of the organic nuance and multitudes of asymmetry, in my experience. Flow is wonderful for moving without overthinking but it falls short in the realm of detail and precision, no matter how clear instructions may be. Breath work and opening pranic pathways means nothing if the physical structures are not addressed with integrity and after all, what ARE pranic pathways? What does that actually mean? 

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meeting the enemy

meeting the enemy

Ultimately, as I reflect, the greatest obstacles I have faced in life have molded me in to the person I am. Injuries have made me a clearer and safer teacher, times of financial hardship have given me insight into the value of money and empathy toward others who struggle with it, experience both first and second-hand with depression has gifted me with the ability to hold space for myself and others at their lowest. Moving to a new land where I do not speak the language or understand the cultural nuances gives me a small glimpse into what it feels like to be invisible or powerless. It has also given me a greater appreciation for the ways in which I am incredibly privileged. When I offer gratitude to my challenges, when I meet my "enemies" with thankfulness and compassion, it transforms me. Even if the person or situation is not changed at all, I am. How I see and feel and taste hardship changes. And, in my limited but real experience, it makes a profound difference. 

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the space between, part 1

the space between, part 1

I lie down on a nearly-daily basis and feel my midline with my hands. The space around my belly button seems at times possibly wider and other times narrows to nearly nothing. I have followed its ebbs and flows quietly and with a deep sense of care; perhaps more care than I have ever offered myself in this life. And while I check the width routinely, the residue of this ritual leaves my mind resting not in the space between, but in the quality of attention itself. I am not what one would call a religious person, and I often tend toward the dependabilities of mathematics and science, but through this process I have encountered what feels to be the soft slipperiness of prayer.

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overwhelm and letting go

It's been a long while since I wrote.

I never, in a million years, could imagine the kind of consumption of time and energy and attention that goes into being a parent. It is absolutely the best kind but it is all-consuming. I have been busy in my life before. I have been so busy that I didn't see friends for weeks and I lived and ate and breathed my work. Still, I have never felt the kind of intensity that being a mom has presented to me. I have also never loved anyone or anything this much, not even close. It has been the sweetest, deepest sense of overwhelm I have ever known. And it has required that I let go of a lot, and often. 

I now see that my desire to write in this blog on a weekly basis after my daughter was born was definitely too ambitious for this time of my life. As hard as it is for me to acknowledge that I cannot do it all, I definitely can NOT. My continued aspiration is to keep this going as best I can for now. That is all I can do. One way I have tried to share my work and passions is through instagram and some documentation of the therapy work I have been traversing as of late. If it interests you, please check in with me there.

For now, I at least wanted to write to acknowledge that this time is also incredibly intense and difficult in our world. A lot of people I know are struggling to understand and navigate the huge shift that has happened most recently in the U.S. but that also reflects a larger trend around the globe. Many I know who have been around longer than me say they have never witnessed such division between ideologies and world-views. I surely have not in my lifetime. 

With that acknowledgement, I also acknowledge that I have had to make space within the overwhelming barrage of news and online feeds to take a step back and let go of some of the ways that I was feeling connected to my communities, particularly my people in NYC. Facebook no longer has a place on my handheld devices. I recognized that my desire to be on the ground and in the resistance with so many people I love and care about just does not resonate with where I am in my life and how overwhelmed I already am at times with being a mama. It also underlined, for me, the dark underbelly of living too much of one's life online. I have a few close family members and friends who spend an exorbitant amount of their time and reality on their devices and in the feeds of Facebook, and it is painful to bear witness. I felt myself being tugged in those same addicting currents of information and I realized it was time to step back. 

I am reconfiguring how I interact with my world, mostly because I have a beautiful daughter but also because the world is changing and I must also change with it or risk becoming willfully ignorant. I am dedicated to a path of waking up and for me right now the most important thing I can wake up to be is a present and loving mother to my babe, a present and loving wife to my man, and a present and compassionate teacher for my students and clients. From there, I feel I can continue to walk the path of awakening in the best way I know how for all the people in my life. 

So in this intensity... if you are feeling overwhelmed at all, perhaps ask yourself where you can let go. Where can you make space for yourself in the whirlwinds of information? Where can there be some breathing room? 

May we all have some space to breathe. May we all work toward the benefit of all. 


bouncing for fascial health

I recently posted this on my instagram account... it's something I have incorporated a lot more since having a baby. I began to intuit that the bouncing would help me regain the integrity of my fascia after all those pregnancy hormones left me feeling SO lax. It's true! Bouncing aids in the health of our fascia/connective tissue and is said to be good for the lymphatic system and other regulatory systems as well (I read here that doctors are researching super bouncy roller coasters for passing kidney stones!)... 

So incorporate some bouncing into your daily routine as a key component of the health of your fascia. Your body will thank you and it's fun too!

disheartenment and maintaining our vision

disheartenment and maintaining our vision

All any of us can do is stay true to our convictions and pair those convictions with a willingness to stay curious and open hearted. Certainly there are times when we need to shift directions or accept defeat or decide that another way is a better way, but there are many other times when we must continue to face our fears and challenges and disappointments head-on. In those moments we must remind ourselves of our highest aspirations, lest disheartenment get the best of us and the world sadly miss out on our greatest gifts. 

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I've been talking about the five wisdoms or Buddha families in class the last two weeks. I would love to write more about them but I just don't have the time currently as I prepare for the therapy immersion I'm co-teaching next week with Stephen Thomas...  

BUT! If you want to read more on this beautiful and interesting take on the energy of the world around us and in us, take a peek at this article:

Five Buddha Families by Irini Rockwell

My first podcast! Mindfulness Meditation

I told one of my students, Annie, in NYC over a year ago that I would do podcasts for all my New York students when I moved to Zurich. A lot has happened since then - getting married, becoming pregnant, having a baby and moving overseas... but I finally did it! And on her birthday as a surprise. Happy birthday, Annie!

The end cuts off without any fanfare or clear ending, but baby was waking and I thought something is better than no thing. 

I definitely need some help with simplifying the editing process, so if anyone has pointers, shoot them my way!

Much love, 

Samadhi, awake in the here and now.

Samadhi, awake in the here and now.

What are you doing right now? What is the smell in the air, the taste in your mouth, the feel of the phone or the computer on your fingertips? What is happening with your right knee or your left shoulderblade? How is your breath? What is the quality of light in the room in which you are sitting? 

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Looking Deeply at Our Work

I do realize that we are in a very privileged place if we can contemplate leaving our job for any reason at all. When we contemplate right livelihood I also believe we must contemplate joblessness, unemployment, disability, poverty, famine and war. 

So please feel free to consider the following, but also consider the many many people who are unable to work or provide for themselves or their families at this time. Perhaps when you contemplate your own work you can also offer compassion to those who are unable to work for any reason. 

Right Livelihood pushes us to look at our work and also how we use the money we earn and what kinds of businesses we support with our earnings. Here are a few contemplations on right livelihood.

Does your job fulfill you? Does it inspire and motivate you to show up and be truly present in your work? Is there some other work that calls to your heart? Is there a possibility you could pursue something more in line with your heart's work? 

Does your job create suffering in yourself or others? If so, does it have to? Is that an innate part of the work (like being a butcher or selling guns)? How do you feel about the suffering it creates? Is there another way to direct your energy in a way that enables you to provide for yourself and your family? 

Is your workplace connected to or supporting other organizations that support violence, inequality, hatred or greed? Is there a way you can loosen or sever these ties? 

When we look deeply at right livelihood, we can actually see that there is no way we can remove ourselves completely from violence, inequality, poverty, hatred, war, destruction and greed. Whether it is the company we work for, a stock or savings account tied to a bank, or a brand of clothing or food we buy, so much of what we invest in (with time or money) is connected to unethical practices. We are deeply woven into the fabric of greed and exploitation that encircles this planet. 

In considering Right Livelihood, let us begin by making a commitment to become more aware of the ways in which our livelihood and our money support life and peace and freedom, or how they support injustice and suffering. Let us challenge ourselves to continue to push toward honoring each other and the planet with our work and the way we spend our money. Educate yourself and try to use the time and money you invest in your life to go toward that which sustains life and happiness and health for all. 


The Chance To Love Everything

All summer I made friends
with the creatures nearby —
they flowed through the fields
and under the tent walls,
or padded through the door, 
grinning through their many teeth,  
looking for seeds,
suet, sugar; muttering and humming, 
opening the breadbox, happiest when
there was milk and music. But once
in the night I heard a sound
outside the door, the canvas
bulged slightly —something
was pressing inward at eye level.
I watched, trembling, sure I had heard
the click of claws, the smack of lips
outside my gauzy house —
I imagined the red eyes, 
the broad tongue, the enormous lap. 
Would it be friendly too?
Fear defeated me. And yet,
not in faith and not in madness
but with the courage I thought
my dream deserved,
I stepped outside. It was gone.
Then I whirled at the sound of some
shambling tonnage.
Did I see a black haunch slipping
back through the trees? Did I see
the moonlight shining on it?
Did I actually reach out my arms
toward it, toward paradise falling, like
the fading of the dearest, wildest hope —
the dark heart of the story that is all
the reason for its telling?

- Mary Oliver

honest, kind expression. true, deep listening.

A recent foray into practice through deeper listening took me to the wall to open my spine while stabilizing my pelvis and SI joint. Deep listening is an implicit aspect of Right Speech.

As I mentioned in last week's post, I am spending these eight weeks on the Noble Eightfold Path as part of the ground for both my weekly teaching and as I prepare for the teacher immersion I am leading in September which has roots in this very same system. This week's focus is on Right Speech, which in sanskrit is Samyag Va, and is part of the Discipline group (Sila, in Sanskrit) of the eight steps. Right Intention, last week's step, is part of the Wisdom group (Prajna, in Sanskrit).

It feels like such a poignant time to contemplate Right Speech with the advent and rise of social media. At a time when our world feels so polarized, we are caught in the crossfire between unprecedented access to news and information and unprecedented amounts of tabloid, extreme or just plain false communication.

When we contemplate the way our voice and communication manifest, we can consider four aspects of Right Speech. The first is refraining from lying. The second and third, which I think work in tandem, are avoiding slanderous speech and harsh words. The final is avoiding gossip and idle speech. Another way to reframe this with a positive spin is to base our communication on honesty, to speak with kindness and compassion, and to speak only when it benefits others and ourselves.

The other half of this equation which is implicit but not explicitly mentioned is what I might call Deep Listening. When we speak we have a basic desire to be heard, and so the act of listening goes hand in hand with the way we speak to others, but also in the way we speak to ourselves. 

As I have grown older and my practice has shifted, most especially since I was pregnant, I have found so much benefit in the art of listening on the mat. I also have spent more time weeding out some of the negative, self-aggressive commentary that perhaps served some purpose at some point, but now that I have a daughter I do not wish to pass on such a torch. Removing aggressive messages and communication leaves more room for listening. More listening creates an environment where informed and honest action can be taken. This is true on and beyond the mat. 

May we all benefit and be of benefit to others through this attention to honest and empathetic communication and deep listening. 

Some ways to play with speaking and listening this week as we contemplate and practice: 

How can we cultivate our communication in person with thoughtfulness and care? Can we listen to our partner or our children more intently? Can we put down the phone or turn off the computer for an extra moment so we can hear what our loved ones wish to share? 

How can we cultivate our communication on social media with greater attention to kindness and honesty? In an age of intensely different opinions, and very serious life and death matters, can we maintain a steady even tone and refrain from slander?  Can we perpetuate a sense of striving to listen rather than a striving to be the loudest or the most incendiary? 

How can we cultivate our communication to and with our own self with more tenderness? Can we notice when we are being self-aggressive and could we reframe our internal dialogue in a sense of self-care instead? What does that look like on the mat or cushion?