a confession

 

I wrote this on Instagram and realized it is way too long for that attention span... so reposting it here for those willing to give it more than a two second swipe!!! 

 

I would be lying if I said I don’t have days where I doubt myself professionally. A lot.

My ego has taken a serious blow when I just consider my class attendance in the last three years and beyond. I was doing pretty damn well as a teacher in NYC by the end of 10 years there, classes sometimes 60 people.. outdoor venue attendances in the 100s.. festivals and endorsements and ambassadorships and PRESS PRESS PRESS (doesn’t being in Yoga Journal mean you’ve made it?)... and then when I first came to Zürich and was “endorsed” by the most popular teacher in Switzerland my classes continued to surge... it felt great. Sort of.

Things changed big time when I woke up to some realities around me and inside me and my teaching changed. I changed. The practice felt hollow and incomplete and I shifted my directions. I chose not to work or teach with people who don’t hold my standard of integrity which meant my visibility here suffered. As a new mother, I also lacked the time or energy to push my professional life as I used to and it became clearer to me that integrity was above profit and success.

I stopped selling out and started speaking up and sharing new work. My classes also stopped selling out. I went from 40 people to sometimes 5!! Suddenly, I wasn’t very trendy or new or exciting anymore. It bothered me. A lot. More than a lot. I identified so closely with my popularity. And actually I felt like I didn’t exist anymore.

It’s so much easier to teach what people want than to be willing to discard what doesn’t fit anymore and begin again. Better believe there are times I wish I chose the easy route.

But I began again. I discarded vagueness and laxity. I discarded passivity in mind and body. I welcomed and opened myself up to strength and truth. Even when it meant that my ego had to take a huge back seat. Like way way back.

My body is happier and healthier than it’s ever been and I feel that my students and clients are too.

I may no longer be the yoga star I thought I wanted to be but my work is backed by my unwavering commitment to truth and awakening.

I believe in this work.

#practicelife #practicesmarter #moveinalltheways #bodyawake