trust in the darkness
I spend a good amount of time and thought contemplating how best to set a tone and environment for others to be able to explore their personal “dark” places or blind spots; those aspects within them which are unknown or forgotten or ignored**. For instance, a student may realize through a bit of my guidance that they are unable to turn their head one direction without clenching a jaw or lifting a shoulder to do so. Or, despite their best efforts they are unable to put weight into a leg without their toes gripping the floor relentlessly or perhaps shifting their ribs away from the weight-bearing leg, thus unconsciously never putting full faith in one side to support their structure and self.
What is encountered in these places is often a pattern of assistance or avoidance in the body where one or more joints or muscles are participating in something that, given the right environment and parameters, would be accomplished, unassisted, by another part of the body. For whatever reason, there has been a coupling or sometimes a complete shutting down of movement in an area when it is no longer (or perhaps never has been) safe, acceptable or possible for the body to achieve that movement in its basic or unaltered form.
While physiology and physical structure is what I most frequently use as the medium through which we explore our experience in an honest way and sometimes happen upon our dark corners, it does not mean the physiology is always the origin of the blind spots. When it happens to be structural, it seems most often to be a result of injuries or physical traumas that have not been rehabilitated or navigated in such a way where the body feels steady or safe enough to restore or allow full capacity in that area. When the origin is not physical, it can arise from anything in one’s history and we don’t always know why or where a pattern comes from. And then even when the origin seems to be physical, there can be many “co-travelers” in the physical body: emotions, memories, old habits, inner resistance, unresolved past experiences and much more.
It is always up to the student or client what they choose to do when they encounter a dark area. I do not want to be in the business of pushing people toward something they are not ready for or do not want. For some people, they are naturally curious and interested in the process of uncovering their own blind spots and shining lights into their dark places. For others, it can be too “much” (read: boring, intense or scary) to navigate or can feel like a practice that is not results-based or goal-oriented enough to commit to. The darkness, as it were, is also and often not immediately and fully illuminated, and some places take years (and perhaps lifetimes?) to fully reveal. One has to be ok with this process, must be able to develop patience to allow the process to unfold as it will, and an important lesson particularly for me in my own process: one has to be ok with not getting it “right” or “solving a problem” for quite some time.
What can be so profound, however, for those who choose to stay in an open way within their own blind spots for any period of time, is its power to transform from the inside. Darkness can be inherently scary or anxiety-provoking; we sense this as young children when the lights go out at night and the basic instinct to avoid what we do not know carries forward for many of us throughout our life. It takes a lot of courage and patience to step into and stay in a dark place within our own body or experience. It requires a kind of trust that we may not even know we have initially, but which we can develop and encourage over time. At first it can feel like there is nothing to hold onto, no ground to stand on, but over time we learn that inside dark places are often the roots and depth of our own humanity, inside the “not knowing” are often the most brilliant and intelligent aspects of each of us which are worth exploring and ultimately which give us a sense of confidence in ourselves, our experience, and the world at large.
When I watch a student unravel a place that was once entangled in their body, there is a light that often sparks in their eyes and they inhabit themselves in a more robust and meaningful way. The intelligence of their own body and its miraculous capacity begins to dawn on them, and I sense how it captures their attention and they begin to trust themselves more over time. When any of us discover and foster this trust, it expands our horizon, both inside and outside our physical form. I have witnessed in myself and with clients and students that while our relationship to parts of our bodies (known and unknown) slowly changes over time, our relationship to our own mind and the world around us also changes.
Through this work, we develop heightened attention and focus (and are able to relax around and appreciate that attention and focus) - I do not need to point out that these qualities are already an antidote to many challenges in our modern world. Further, we develop the capacity to listen with depth and curiosity, even to the things that make us uncomfortable, a skill which is desperately needed in a time when many of us feel so polarized and alienated by “the other”. And we learn to find possibility and opportunity within difficulty, which is paramount to a life well-lived and an essential balm for anyone who has ever felt defeated by their obstacles.
I cannot help but think that practices that encourage us to look into and TRUST in our own darkest places are essential to times like these, regardless of our background, nationality, ideology or political leanings.
In my own experience, the trust I have come to build in myself and in my own body through this work has slowly transcended to all that I see and do. I want to share a few ways I have been transformed by the practice of slowly exploring and building trust in the dark places in myself over the last few years:
When I have been curious about my inner experience, I have become far more curious about the experiences I encounter in the world. I tend to not see things as “black and white” but am open to the intricate nuance and complexity that is life. The dark and light dance together; there is a profound beauty in this dance which I aspire to flow with, not fight against.
When I began to trust myself and the innate intelligence of my own body, I began to trust more in the people and world around me. I trust in the natural cycles of life and the evolution of dark into light and also the opposite. Trust allows me to find ways to settle and relax, even in situations where I am uncomfortable or which provoke anxiety.
When I started to recognize that patterns in myself I once labeled “bad” or painful were actually neutral opportunities (neither bad nor good) to grow and transform, I also began to see that outer patterns, relationships and events I used to label as “bad” were and are also inherently neutral and ripe with opportunity. I am no longer so quick to label, but I attempt to stay open and curious.
All of this has led to more ease and freedom overall in my life. It is not perfect, (what is perfect anyway?) but it is no longer so angst-ridden and anxiety-driven as it once was.
I mentioned before that the way I guide people into their own physicality is not for everyone. Maybe it is not for most people, I am honestly not sure. However I still believe we all could benefit by learning in different ways to stay with our dark and unknown places and building some basic trust there. For some people this can mean closing the eyes and feeling into edginess, pain or uncertainty in the body and asking it a question, then listening to what arises. For others it means putting a device away and feeling the discomfort or shakiness of a feeling rather than numbing out on the screen. Still for others it could mean going on a walk and letting nature speak her soft tongue, allowing the mind to gently open and empty itself and basic sensory perception to enter us without the constant filter of worry and looping thoughts. Maybe it is a stream-of-conscious journaling practice without allowing judgment into the process. Maybe it is playing music or drawing or maybe it is listening to a friend without interrupting or letting our thoughts override our dear one’s need to share herself with us.
There are perhaps endless ways to get close to what we tend to ignore or forget about within ourselves and to develop trust in our natural intelligence and brilliance through that process.
I would invite anyone who is reading this and feels inspired to consider what speaks to them and if they have not, begin a practice that allows this trust in the darkness to slowly unfold.
**The primary reason I have any authority to offer this space is, in part, because I spend hours each week going through the same process for myself. For brevity, I leave my own process out of this writing, but if any reader, student, or client is interested, I have outlined the general steps I take in a separate post here.