two weeks and a day.

Two weeks and a day until we get on a plane and move back to Europe. I have struggled even to talk about it, let alone write a word. It has been an amazing and challenging journey, these last five months. It knocked me off my feet in the beginning, LITERALLY, but as it has progressed and I have learned how to let go of my stranglehold on the future, it is now a journey that feels so ripe with possibility.

I have learned a lot about myself these last months. I have learned (yet again) that I should listen to my gut when something feels off in an interaction. I have also learned that when I do not listen to that gut feeling, there is a LOT to uncover in myself in the aftermath. Life is abound with teachers, and even the most difficult and painful situations can reveal great truths. I have learned to step a few more inches toward not worrying about what others think of me. I have learned to appreciate the things about me that others may see as “too much”. For me those things are always workable and also I have zero control of how anyone else sees me. And that is… ok.

I have learned to have more faith in what the universe provides - whatever that unnameable thing is that we refer to as God, spirit, prana, chi, the tao. I used to cringe at reading a statement like that, but it’s so true to me now. When I reflect back, I didn’t trust in much at periods in last five months and I suffered a lot because of it. From where I sit now, I realize I needed to go through that suffering to understand what I feel in my bones now. Nothing was in vain, but it was a fight at the deepest level with myself and my samskaras and karma.

For now I am enjoying, simmering, in the beauty of our life. I marinate in the childlike joy of Miya with her friends. I am spending a bit more time with my own body, but also allowing myself to relax and have fun and not take it all so seriously. I have reconnected with family members over the last few months that I hadn’t seen in years, and have established new and important connections with people I love very much. I am also letting people go who need and want to move on or from whom I feel it is time (for now) to step away. I am laughing more. I am allowing myself to make mistakes, and attempting not to feel ashamed when I don’t live up to my own unmeetable expectations. I am softening in moments to simply be ok with not having it all together.