what if there is no one to appease?

I stepped away from working at all for three or four days last week, the first time I’ve been relaxed enough to really attempt such a thing for quite some years - every other time we have taken a trip as a family in recent times I still spent many hours fidgeting with my business and worrying about the future.

Something arose in those few days in the mountains that I hadn’t tasted for a while, and it kind of scared me to be honest. It surprised me with its force. It was a bit like a tidal wave of doubt and hesitation, and I found myself floundering, tumbling trying to get my head back above the surface. It was such a surprise for me because as a whole things have been on a slow uptick, creeping along toward a place where I finally have felt comfortable enough to let go of the rudder just enough that I can exhale away from “the business” for a few days.

So what caused the minor uproar? As we drove back home from the Adirondacks I felt dread creeping into my bones; I didn’t feel like I could face what I had built anymore. It didn’t feel sturdy or sound enough. Something about my vision was still resting on shaky ground.

——————

There is a question that Loch Kelly poses in some of his guided meditations that strikes me every time it is asked.

“What is here when there is no problem to be solved?”

———— this is an incredible inquiry that often leaves me with a sense of open space and peace —— it is beyond concept, beyond words ———

I have, in the last few days, flipped that question around a bit for my own vision as I’ve tinkered in the depths of what it is that I care about and value most.

I came up with this:

“What is there to do when there is no one to appease?”

Here are my Answers:  Learn, Ask Great Questions, Discover And Embody The Curious Depths of Being Human, Empower My Daughter To Do The Same, Share With Any Interested Persons Along The Way

That’s it.

That’s all I want to do for the rest of my life, and it is what I care about most in the depths of myself. In order to build all of it, I see a slight hierarchy in what must come first.

1st… Learn, Ask Great Questions, Discover And Embody The Curious Depths of Being Human -   

this is what I have spent the last 44 years of my life pursuing and what I aspire to do until my final breath. It is what gets me out of bed each morning and it is what crushes me in the times I am not able to accomplish it well… or when I recognize that others are so often not living up to their own potentials or discovering their own depths. It is why I will knock down walls to go study what I love, especially with other curious humans. It is why I tried the crazy task of studying botany and dance simultaneously in University, why I dropped everything and moved to Philly after school to pursue my dream of being a part of the larger hip hop theater movement, why I never lasted long in corporate structures or hierarchies that did not give me the wiggle room to explore this capacity. It is why I now work for myself and why I spend all my time asking questions and wondering how I can do better. It is, in a nutshell, why our family made such a crazy decision to take a plunge into this house, this business, this vision.

and then…

2nd… Empower My Daughter To Do The Same

3rd… Share With Other Interested Persons Along The Way

I recognize that my business model is very much about #3, and I am continuously attempting to remodel and rebuild as I uncover those things that I believe matter most and discard the things that don’t really speak to me anymore or that don’t actually achieve #1. For instance, I really don’t give a hoot about “working people out”. I say that with all kinds of love for gyms, crossfits, and other businesses who do that, because it’s a very important thing for a lot of people and there is a part of me who also LOVES challenging movement and “working out”. If it’s a byproduct of some of what I share as an added bonus, that’s great… but it isn’t my primary intention (likely it was never). So Sharing With Others Along The Way really goes back to the first three: Sharing with Others How To Learn, Ask Great Questions, Discover And Embody The Curious Depths of Being Human. That’s it.

I have crafted my business model carefully around these concepts, likely to the detriment of potential income (short-term at least). It is why I prefer people commit long-term to their journey over anything else and why I reward that commitment with many benefits. Student growth and learning (and mine with them!) increases exponentially when people can commit to this work. Communities form and flourish, and we all evolve together. It is magnificent to observe unfold.

But there is still something off in my personal calling despite many revisions… After a lot of searching, I believe now that the reason I felt such hesitation and doubt as I finally let myself relax has everything to do with #2: Miya, my daughter!! It is due, in part, to the fact that while my vision started with only #1 and #3… Seven years ago today #2 came on the scene and immediately displaced #3 in hierarchy.

I have begun to recognize that the things I cherish about learning, being human, and asking great questions… I also will do whatever I can to ensure that Miya has access to. And frankly, I don’t think she is getting as much access to these things as I think would be optimal in our ever more interconnected world and for our children. This topic by itself would require pages of another piece of writing. Perhaps I will address those another day.

Suffice to say after a lot of reading, asking questions, and writing, I have decided to fully include her in the future of my life’s purpose… and so I am asking: “How do I build the frame for my daughter (and maybe some of her peers) to participate in this great experiment I am trying to create?” It’s a big vision, bigger than I’ve ever tried to span my scope… but the seeds are in hand and and I’m inching my way forward on the edge of a great big cliff to go and plant them in the fields beyond.

On the bottom of the canyon below me are all the people I know who will doubt me or call me crazy or many other great names folks come up with when they want to “other” someone. Down there with them, even louder, are all my doubts. I feel shakiest when I tip my ear down to listen or drop my eyeline below the horizon to catch a glimpse of their angry, fearful fists. I feel most confident when I stand in the vision of what I love most dearly in this world.

This is what there is to do when there is NO ONE TO APPEASE!

I am not yet sure how my “business”, our home, and all we have built up thus far as it stands will make space organically for this shift in my intentions, but what is true for me is that my daughter comes first in my own personal hierarchy of values. And as I am traversing this cliff, a few pieces pieces of baggage, some more historically precious than others, may need to get tossed in order for me to adhere to the path without falling. I am not yet sure which ones they are.

I close this writing with a deep sense of gratitude for all the people who have believed (or especially have not believed) in my vision up to this point, and who have made it possible for me to be so daring.

First and foremost, Matthias my husband! Without you… there is no Miya…and none of what I have built today would look the same! Thank you thank you thank you!

To my students, clients, all the eager learners and explorers who have stepped into my space in person or virtually and trusted me to assist them with their processes of discovery. Thank you for giving me an opportunity to explore with you!

To my mentors, specifically in the last three years: Chris Sritharan - your challenges to me to step into my values and vision and personal accountability have been invaluable, if not incredibly challenging! I cannot thank you enough for the inspiration and push.

To anyone who has doubted me, questioned me, pushed back, told me I could not, or better yet simply ignored me…. THANK YOU! You have created the conditions for me to stand in my own power and strength. Without you, I would not be anywhere near where I am today. Truly, thank you.

And finally, to the light of my life: Miya! You are a magic human who has challenged me to be ever more present, ever more loving, ever softer, always questioning my instincts to control or cling… you have introduced me to the best in myself. Thank you! I look forward to learning, asking great questions, and embodying the curious depths of being human with you!

Love, Anya